if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
