I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
