god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
