I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
