What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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