you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
