My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
