come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
