11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
