she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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