Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
