So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
