her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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