I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
