I just threw up on my dentist
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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