and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you had me at cake vodka
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
