You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
