Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
