I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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