And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
