sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just found a bag of teeth...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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