weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
