fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
