it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
