1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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