My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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