hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
