This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
