Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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