Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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