How'd it feel making her break her religion?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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