You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
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I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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