I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
