I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
