i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
