Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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