Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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