I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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