I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
