hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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