I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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