You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
