I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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