I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
