They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
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I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
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Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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