I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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