He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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