How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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