Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
