i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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