just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
