Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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