Four minutes until I can fart!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
