In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
