I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
