I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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