i permit you to call me
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
