I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
