OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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